So, I'm thirty years old, married, have a son that is four and a daughter that is six.  And I am miserable.  I hate my life.  I decided to start blogging to see if expressing my feelings would help at all. 

I feel like nothing is what I thought it would be.  What can I say about my husband.....he is another child, someone else that I have to take care of.  All of my life I have had to take care of everyone else.  I am the youngest in my family yet I feel like everyone turns to me.  I've always been able to handle it but lately I am not even able to handle my shit let alone everyone elses.  Instead of feeling like my husband is a partner in this relationship that shares the responsibilities and tribulations in my life, he someone that is incapable of doing anything on his own.  The man is thirty four and doesn't even know how to write a check or pay a bill without constulting me first.  The other day he let me sleep in while he got my daughter ready for school.  He actually woke me up because he doesn't know how to do her hair.  And then had the balls to get mad at me when I wouldn't wake up and yelled at him to figure it out.  He knows that I haven't been feeling well and still can't manage to do anything on his own.  And yes, we have been together for 10 years, married for 6, so what has changed?  Me.  I've changed.  Because of my home life as a child I learned to rely on myself at an early age.  And I learned that if I wanted or needed something not to expect help from anyone else.  And I was so used to taking care of everyone else around me.  So I guess it came natural to just take care of him too.  To continue with the responsibilities that had been thrust on me at such an early age.  And I never needed anything more than what he already gave (which wasn't much). 

But now I'm sick.  They say I'm depressed.  I didn't feel depressed.  My body just constantly hurt, I had no energy, and I just wanted to be left alone.  I couldn't take care of my kids.  I couldn't take care of my house.  I couldn't work.  So guess what....I needed him now.  Has he been there for me?  He seems to thinks so.  Am I being ungrateful and unappreciative?  He seems to think so.  I feel like at thirty four he finally finds himself in a situation where he needs to step up and finally become a man.  Where he needs to take hold of the reins and keep everything running.  Guess what, he can't.  He hasn't.  He resents me for being sick, resents me for the extra burden that it puts on  him, and resents me that I am never satisfied with what he does.  And he's right.  I'm not satisfied because I would do and have done so much more.  Without complaint.  Because we are a family and that's what families do.  They pick up the slack that is left when the other person can't do something.  Without complaining.  Without temper tantrums.  And with grace.

I'm on medicine now.  It seems to be helping.  Although it's not a magic pill I am startingn to slowly feel better.  But here is the thing - the better I feel, the further apart I feel from him.  The more I realize how much he dropped the ball.  He is not a partner in this relationship but another thing on my to do list to take care of.  I just don't know if I have anything left for him.  My goal - get myself better.  Get myself out.